Mine All Mine

Revelations inside a MRI machine

Usually I would start a Substack with an apology about not updating it in months but I think if you do subscribe and if you have done so for a few years, you would know I do come and go.

I recently wrote a blog for my employer, and a friend who helped me edit it kept telling me that my writing is something I should be doing more of. And the truth is, I do enjoy writing it is just I also work a full time job alongside raising a small human and I juggle all of this while having ADHD. I also do have a bit of imposter syndrome but I also just think well, these Substacks aren’t built around me having any kind of expertise or authority, it is just a way for me to share some of my lived experiences being a woman of colour who is neurodivergent, a mother and I do feel some motivation to keep writing and talking because I am trying to live a life where I can try to help other people just by yapping about topics that are sometimes a bit uncomfortable.

The weather in Melbourne today is warm and sunny, and while being Melbourne this is not guaranteed to last, the stark contrast of the sunshine against how brutal this winter has been. It was really interesting to see how quickly the shift occurred within myself; it is hard to describe the physical and mental toll this Winter has taken on me.

Despite living in the North of England during two particularly grim winters, I think this year was the first year I truly felt like I had Seasonal Affective Disorder. The only way I could describe how I felt among the shorter days, cold and just darkness…….is to use the word “heavy”. There was just this heaviness that hung on me as it felt like I spend every day walking up and down the road that leads to my child’s childcare centre and the train station I use to commute into work.

This winter also happened to be our first winter spent in childcare. It was the scenario that everyone had previously warned me about.

You will be sick every week.

You will use up all of your sick leave.

I am sorry to report back that yes, this was absolutely shit. We had a period of 13 weeks, back to back, where at least two members of our household was sick. We managed to pick up 2 of the 3 major strains of gastro circulating around Melbourne. I ended up having to take 2 weeks off work after getting RSV, and when I was given antibiotics to help ward off a secondary infection, the antibiotics gave me hives.

The only blessing we got was that somehow, our toddler got sick before us and recovered in enough time to return to childcare while we got sick. I never would have even contemplated the idea of being able to be sick and only have to look after myself becoming a luxury, but parenthood just seems to be episode after episode of things you never could thought of saying or doing before you had children.

The final respiratory virus brought with it one of the worst episodes of sinusitis I have ever had in my life. The pain was unbearable and so my GP sent me off for a CT scan of my sinuses to see what was going on.

I barely had enough time to return back to my desk at my office before I got a call from my GP telling me something weird had shown up and I needed to go to the nearest Emergency Department to get an MRI of my brain.

Before I had a child, I think I would have immediately grasped the seriousness of the situation and actually felt anxious about what was happening. Instead I felt worried that this was going to lead to me having to stay in hospital for days and be separated from my child.

The moment I finished the phone call, I had to start managing and organising the logistics of who was going to look after my son (my husband) and packing an overnight bag. I made a joke that at least the prospect of waiting a few hours in the ED meant I could actually read a book uninterrupted and I think that thought actually prevented me from completely losing it.

Long story short - I spent a few hours in the ED, was sent home with a referral for an MRI and the Emergency physician told me they suspected this was not anything life threatening but rather an explanation for the migraines I had suffered since I was a teenager.

The MRI was scheduled for the following week, and I found the process fascinating. I had to go down to the hospital basement and the technicians running the MRI gave me a quick run down of the experience. I basically would lie in the magnetic tube while they took photos of my brain.

They offered me a pair of headphones to listen to some music to drown out the clicks and buzzing, and I happily accepted. The first song that came on was My Love Mine All Mine by Mitski, which happened to be a song I had been listening to a lot to lately. I should have been nervous, or at least weirded out by the situation of being in a claustrophobic small magnetic, metal tube having pictures taken of my brain but instead the song lulled me into an almost meditative state.

For the first time in months, I felt a sense of peace and serenity that I had been seeking. Just a few moments to just be, and have my brain filled with nothing but music I enjoyed and to be alone. Not overstimulated. Not touched out. Not having to constantly think on my feet and troubleshoot.

I was actually disappointed when it was time to end, but a friend suggested I try a flotation tank the following week as it promised a similar scenario enabling relaxation. The flotation tank was something I probably would have ridiculed years ago, but I realised that since becoming a mother (and perhaps maturing a little bit), I was far more open to the prospect of things I would have once found ridiculous, instead providing me with those small moments of serenity and quiet.

I realised while lying in the tank that it had been weeks since one of us had gotten sick, and we had reached that moment people kept promising me would eventuate; when you look back and realise no one has caught anything for at least a month and it was time to climb out of the trenches.